All I Wanted
by She's So High
Summary: They have stopped trying to convince themselves that it isn’t what it is. That they aren’t irrevocably in love with one another.
1. Chapter One

All I Wanted

By: Lady DeathAngel

Disclaimer: not mine, not profiting, 'nuff said.

Warnings: Just some semi-angsty, fluff between two guys. Not your cuppa? Then it's time for your handy, dandy Back Button!

A/N: Just something that popped into my head at about two this morning. And just in time, too. I love Harry Potter to death and write it all the time, but I was starting to scare myself. . Anyway, this'll last either one more chapter or two, depending. At least one more though, so fret not! It's in Yuki's POV but next chapter should be Touya's. And what is with me and super-short chapters lately, now that we're on that subject? I'm _really_ scaring myself now. .; But, onto the fic! Please read, enjoy and review.

I suppose he always thought I didn't notice it. All the sly glances and almost-caresses and the bolder looks when he was sure I wasn't looking that took me in from head to toe and toe to head and every which way. Of course I noticed, though. I may be naive and a bit flighty, but I'm not stupid. And besides, when you know you're in love with someone you search desperately for any hint they might feel the same about you.

In all honesty, I never thought he _would_ feel the same. I hoped. I mean, when a guy attracts girls to him in droves and brushes them all off you wonder if, despite his mutters of 'I'll have plenty of time for girls later', he won't make time for girls ever. And while not overtly touchy-feely, if I ever got slightly depressed he was always willing to give me a one-armed hug that _looked_ perfectly platonic but that held on longer than most merely friendly hugs did.

In the end, though, he was always treating me like his best friend, and having no real notions of what best friends did I assumed that was it. A part of me, once I figured out that what I was feeling had to be more than friendly, always wanted to show more affection. I'm a tactile person. Sometimes he'd give me a hug and I'd feel awkward and he'd say it was okay because I was the kind of person who touched and liked to be touched. So, realizing that I was in love with him I wanted to touch him more.

I wanted to be able to hold hands with him if only to feel the press of his palm against mine. I wanted to trace his features with my fingers, just examine him for hours with soft, lingering strokes and touches. I held back, sometimes going so far as to restrain myself completely. He'd always give me funny looks when I did that and make up for it by touching me even more than usual.

And then the touches started to change and I convinced myself that it didn't mean anything. But there were the looks, soft and searching, and I couldn't explain those away. All the signs I'd been watching for, for years were there. I didn't want to believe it and I don't think he did either and we pretended it wasn't happening. That he wasn't falling for me and that I wasn't trying hard to keep my hopes from getting too high because what if it only lasted a week? Or a month? God, even a year wouldn't be enough because I wanted him forever and longer.

And then Sakura said aloud what _no one _had. At least, not myself and certainly not anyone else. Touya was my number one and she knew it. She looked at me with eyes that tried so hard to be understanding and _were_, despite the ill-suppressed pain that bled through, and gave me her blessings. No questions. No doubt that what I felt was real. Just pure acceptance and encouragement and she said that she thought I was _his_ number one too.

I wondered about it for a while, and the more I wondered the more I realized that I had to show some affection back. He was trying, at least a little bit, to convey his feelings. The least I could do would be to try to convey my own.

So I started with little touches of my own. Barely noticeable, really. An intentional brushing of fingers, an extra squeeze if he ever offered one of those one-armed hugs. He would ruffle my hair to show his affection and I'd tuck his behind an ear, or push his bangs away from his forehead. I was the fussy one, he was the playful one, and it worked for a while.

But I think that the more showy we got, the more we realized what we wanted. At least, that was how I felt. Sometimes having my hair tousled by his hand made my heart ache because I would compare what I had to what I wanted and what I had was good . . . but it wasn't what I wanted. We would study together and I'd find myself staring at him and I wished I could lean forward and brush his hair away from his eyes and press soft kisses to his forehead and his nose and his cheek and his jaw and his lips.

After Syaoran returned, anytime Sakura went out with him Touya insisted we go too. He trusted the boy, but he was a big-brother determined to worry over nothing. They were completely comfortable around us. Well, Sakura was, mostly because I was there to shut her brother up whenever he said something just to irk her date. Syaoran wasn't as comfortable, and blushed as red a street-light whenever she held his hand or leaned up against him.

Touya found it incredibly amusing whenever she fussed over him and he tried to push her off, blushing and clearly enjoying the attention. For payback's sake I would have done the same to him, but he didn't even pretend to dislike it anymore so my means of retribution would never work. Instead I would try to grant Sakura some degree of privacy, all the while watching her out of the corner of my eye, completely envious.

They were adorable together, but I wished I could have that. I would see them and glance at Touya and think, even more, about what I wanted.

I wanted to be able to hold him close for the sole purpose of feeling his body against mine. I wanted for him to turn that teasing smile on me and have my stomach drop, not in pseudo-anticipation, but with actual anticipation. I wanted to see that smile and know he was going to kiss me. Whether he teased me first or not, I wanted to know that I'd feel those lips against mine. I wanted to be standing, staring at nothing, and feel his arms slip around me from behind and know the comfort that action would bring.

Syaoran rarely did it with Sakura, but I'd seen him do it once and the look on her face was so sweet that I wondered what it would feel like.

Of course, then Touya walked up behind me and rested his arm playfully on the top of my head and teased me for being such a space-case before glaring at the cute couple in front of us. And I slipped out from under his arm and turned, wrapping my own around his waist and dragging him away to give them some time alone.

And what I had was good and enough. But not what I wanted.


	2. Chapter Two

All I Wanted

By: Lady DeathAngel

Disclaimer: not mine, not profiting, 'nuff said.

Warnings: angsty sappiness

A/N: Well, this was finally finished due to the fact I got so much great feedback (thanks sooooo much guys!). I mean, it was always gonna happen, but I guess it decided to write itself so here it is. I must also credit the Brian/Justin fic binge I went on (Queer As Folk is a beautiful thang and they are just the greatest couple ever) which provided a lot of inspiration. More to come, so stay tuned! A happy ending will hopefully write itself. Also, if the end seems a bit OOC, it's kind of intended that way. Just to portray a role-reversal that we don't usually get to see but could be there. Oh, and this is a self-beta job. Much of my work nowadays is. Anyway, thanks again to all of you for the feedback. Hope you like it! As always, please read, enjoy and review.

There is absolutely nothing good to be said about being in love. At least not in my case. I'm sure the monster could think up some eloquent sweet little soliloquy about it. So could dad, for that matter. Hell, anyone who had had the sentiment returned probably had nothing bad to say about it. But I had nothing _but_ bad to say about it. It hurt and it removed a lot of control from your life and . . . it wasn't all butterflies and sunshine that was for damn sure.

Maybe I wouldn't have minded it so much a few years before. Okay, I can honestly say that I _didn't_ mind it so much a few years before. I'd been in love with Yuki for as long as I could remember and it hadn't been this bad before. It hadn't been a great time but it had been tolerable. I'd kind of liked the feeling I got when he smiled that sappy smile at me or when he worried a bit too much. Now I don't like that feeling anymore.

Not because I don't love him. I love him more than I ever thought it would possible to love someone who _wasn't_ family. Just because it really, _really_ hurts. I don't know what it is. I guess it's the fact that eventually you get to the point where it's just not enough. I mean, God, it's enough. It's enough to just be close to the person, it's almost more than enough to be able to hold them and touch them and tease and flirt. But there's something missing . . . something that I see all around me.

We go to a park and I see couples sitting under trees, laughing and talking the way Yuki and I do. But there's something intangible there, that knowledge that at any moment they can kiss or utter 'I love you' and they'll know exactly what the other means. We tag along with Sakura and the brat and those two are like a pair of damn newlyweds or something, always fussin' over each other and kissing when they _think_ I'm not looking. And I want that with Yuki and me. I want it so bad I can taste it and there's nothing I can do about it.

Okay, so I've dropped hints. I've all but told him I'm madly in love with him and I touch him way more than any other friends I've ever seen touch each other. We're so close and I've tried to indicate that I want to be closer, you know, to the best of my ability. Which really isn't true because I could do so much more. I _know_ I could do so much more. I could tell him, of course. Just come out and say it.

I've actually pictured that conversation in my head. Details after the initial, 'Yuki, I love you' are a bit fuzzy, but one thing is always the same. He always has that look on his face, the one that's so beautiful it makes everything I've ever done seem worth it, even if it was the stupidest possible action I could have taken.

I remember, one of the few times that I needed that look and he didn't fail to deliver was right after I gave him my power.

I was . . . lost. I'd wondered, when I was little, what it would be like to be blind or deaf or paralyzed. I couldn't imagine it because it would be too scary. And yes, I was a morbid kid to be having those thoughts, but I was empathetic to the plights of others. Besides, I wasn't like other, normal little ten-year-olds who didn't see their moms despite their deceased status.

Anyway, after I gave my power I knew a fraction of what it was like. But it was so much more powerful with me. I was blind, deaf, paralyzed . . . I wasn't whole anymore. I noticed it even in the sleep I couldn't rouse my body from. And I woke up and I looked around because I couldn't _feel_ it anymore. I couldn't feel Sakura in the other room or dad in his study. I couldn't even feel Yuki beside me, inches away. I knew he was there but I couldn't feel him and I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life.

Of course, I didn't let it show. I just smiled and everything I told him was the truth despite the fact I was seconds away from the biggest panic attack any one had ever seen. But there was that smile, that dumb smile that was the most gorgeous thing in the world. And that look that said so much and glowed was enough to make me realize that it was _worth it_. I could have kept that part of myself but where would I be at that exact moment? Consoling a little sister who had been handed to much at too young an age and consoling myself.

Because, really, how could I live without him? He'd been an integral part of my life from the first moment I'd seen him, looking so young and scared surrounded by a gaggle of well-meaning girls who'd wanted to know his life story. I'd rescued him from them, saying I needed to talk to him if he really wanted to join the soccer team and he'd looked at me a bit confused, but there was that sappy smile. He knew it was all bullshit. He hadn't ever talked to me before in his life. But there I was, saving him on his first day of school.

He grinned at me on the way out of the classroom.

"Thanks," he told me in the most whole-hearted voice I'd ever heard before.

"No problem," I'd replied, throwing my arm across his shoulders. "But you do owe me now. How much money do you have on you?"

His um's and uh's were interspersed through a stuttered story of how he was broke but he was sure he could borrow some money from his grandparents and I finally shook my head and sighed.

"You're entirely too easy," I informed him, ruffling his hair. "And just for that, I think I like you."

His look had made me laugh.

"I don't know how I feel about that," he said.

"Feel good," I ordered. "It's not every day a shy little guy like you is gifted with my friendship."

He'd rolled his eyes, but I could tell I'd said the right thing.

"Are you really my friend?"

"I'm not some hero out of a manga," I said. "I don't just save people at random."

He took that for the 'yes' it was and grinned at me teasingly.

"Really? Because you look just like one."

And that was how he wormed his way right into my life and heart. We've been inseparable since then. Our relationship has grown since then, too. And I know, on some level, that he wants me the same way I want him. I can feel it in every touch and see it in every look.

I don't know, maybe I'm scared. I've never felt this way about anyone. I mean, I've loved people. My sister and my dad. I've liked people. Tomoyo and even that damn brat. But I've never been in love and it's scary because it entails so much more than just being in love. It can hurt as much as it feels good and it makes me say things I don't mean to say and do things that I don't think other people would do. I'd like to think that anyone who came into contact with Yuki would do anything to make sure he didn't disappear, but that's not true.

Sometimes I have nightmares where I wasn't there. Some nameless, faceless entity was there when he collapsed and some nameless, faceless entity was at the fork in the road and took the other path and Yuki was gone. I never got to say goodbye and I never saw him again. I wake up from those dreams and it'll be the middle of the night and I'll just call him. He always answers and he always knows its me.

The first time he was worried, now I can practically hear him smile that sweet, sappy smile over the phone.

"Another dream?"

"Yeah."

"It's okay. I'm here."

"I know."

"So, it's all right?"

"Promise you'll never leave?"

"Haven't we already had this conversation?"

"Stop teasing. I'm serious. I can't lose you, Yuki. I can't."

"I know. I'm sorry. I promise."

"That's good to hear. Sorry for waking you up."

"It's all right."

"See you tomorrow then."

"Yeah, see you."

"Good night."

"Hey Touya?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you promise too? I mean, promise you'll always be there?"

"Somebody's got to put up with your sappiness and I don't really mind."

"Don't lie, you love it."

"Point is, I promise too."

"That's good to hear. Good night."

"Sweet dreams."

I hang up the phone and roll over and fall asleep and dream of what I want and what we have and what we don't. And I want what we don't have so bad I wake up with that familiar feeling of being in love swirling in my stomach.


	3. Chapter Three

All I Wanted

By: Lady DeathAngel

Disclaimer: Not mine, not profiting, 'nuff said

Warnings: eh, nothing. Some yaoi-ness.

A/N: Woot! It is done! The first part is just a little interlude that wrote itself and that I happen to like and therefore kept. Anyway, the last part is where all the good stuff is and it's not in either POV. It's a little different style (similar to that of my Queer As Folk fic She Knows) but I like how it turned out. Thanks soooooo much for all the feedback so far! I've loved hearing from you and I'm so very glad that you've loved reading so far. So here's to further reading, enjoyment and reviews. Love you all!

"Okay . . . sleeping bag? Check! Pillow? Check! Um, toothbrush, toothpaste, washcloth . . . check!"

"Extra sweater and chastity belt?" Touya muttered.

Yuki snickered and laid his hand on his best friend's shoulder.

"There'll be plenty of teachers there," he said.

Touya gave him an incredulous look.

"After all the stories I've heard about their teachers, I don't trust them at all."

"Okay, I've checked, double-checked and checked again. I think I've got everything." Sakura said.

"Even if you don't, it's too late now. They're loading the busses as we speak."

She shook her head at her brother's tone but smiled anyway.

"I promise to call the minute we get there. Take care of yourself. Make Yuki plenty of food. Be good."

"Yes, Mother," Touya teased with a huge eyeroll.

She stuck her tongue out at him and then gave him and Yuki huge hugs.

"Come on, Sakura," Syaoran said, walking up behind her. "We've gotta go."

He grabbed one of her bags in his right hand and her wrist in the other. He offered Touya and Yuki hurried good-byes and promises to take care of Sakura.

"Not too much care of her, I hope," Yuki said with a small smile.

The boy flushed, shook his head and then proceeded to drag Sakura over to their bus. She waved goodbye until she was flanked on the other side by Tomoyo who held up her ever-present video-camera and started to talk excitedly.

Yuki and Touya hung around a few minutes more and then, once the busses had left, headed back to Touya's house.

"You're brooding," Yuki told him.

"Am not."

"Are so. It's not the first time she's gone away for a weekend."

"Yeah, well, it's the first time she's gone away with a _boyfriend_. Damn brat better keep his hands to himself."

Yuki snorted.

"He doesn't seem to be the one having trouble with that."

Touya scowled.

"Yeah, well, Sakura better keep _her_ hands to herself too, then."

Yuki laughed and squeaked when Touya pinched his side and told him it wasn't funny.

"Anyway," the brunette said, slipping his arm around Yuki's shoulders. "With no kids to babysit, what're we gonna do with ourselves for two whole days?"

"We'll think of something."

"Hmm. Wanna go somewhere tonight?"

"Like where? I hate to say it, Touya, but with all the dates Sakura's gone on that we've crashed, we've seen every new movie that's come out since June."

"True. We could stay in then."

"If it's not too boring for you."

Touya snorted.

"Yuki, time spent with you could _never_ be boring."

The smaller boy frowned, not entirely sure if he was being teased or not. Touya just laughed and ruffled his hair and kept walking.

TY

There is only so much longer they can keep this up. It's been years since they met and, God, they've loved each other from the first. It's in every look and every touch, every laugh and every frown. It permeates the air around them and even someone with no preternatural senses at all will be ill-pressed _not_ to notice it. And yet they keep their distance, teasing and moving in and drawing back in a game that simply cannot last forever.

They have stopped trying to convince themselves that it isn't what it is. That they aren't irrevocably in love with one another. That the sight of one's ash-blonde hair isn't exciting. That the feel of a strong arm and a one-armed hug isn't enough to carry him through the worst times and give him a taste of the best. They simply know it now.

They are lounging around, talking about nothing, thinking about everything; the pressure of kneecap against kneecap and the sparks that fly when they brush fingers accidentally are foremost on their minds and the game nears its end.

Yuki has something on his cheek and Touya reaches across the small space between them to brush it away. The blonde's breath hitches in his throat and not a word is said but his eyes scream, '_Let it mean more_' and the darker of the two has a pained expression that gutturally moans '_It hurts_' and a dawning look of understanding that sighs in commiseration and breathes out, '_I know_' in unison.

"Let's play a game," Touya says suddenly, his hand dropping to his side.

Yuki pulls in a shuddering breath and fights the urge to shiver at the sudden lack of physical contact.

"A game?"

The dark-haired boy nods and grins, leaning back on his elbows.

"Yeah. A game."

"You'll beat me. You're better at games than I am."

A shrug is the only reply.

"It's easy. We'll trade secrets. I'll tell you something no one else knows and you'll tell me something."

"Does this game even have a name?"

"No."

Yuki blinks slowly.

"You know all my secrets, Touya," he says softly.

Touya raises an eyebrow.

"All of them?"

And Yuki flushes because, no, he doesn't know all of them. Not the one that he's kept since that first day they met.

"I'll start," his friend announces, completely comfortable with this entire situation. "I'm gay."

"What?!"

Touya laughs and nods.

"You knew it, don't lie."

Yuki shrugs.

"I wondered. You know, why you never went out with girls," and God he must be blushing as red as the t-shirt Touya has on.

"Okay, tell me something."

"I already told you, Touya. You know all my secrets," Yuki says.

The other boy hums.

"I'll help you then," he says with a serious look. "Who do you love best, Yuki?"

The pale boy stutters and his eyebrows have nearly disappeared into his hairline.

"I . . . what?"

Touya sits up and leans in toward him slightly.

"You remember when the monster told you she loved you? You told me about it and said she loved someone else the best and that you did too. Remember? I asked you who you love best and you just smiled like I should know."

"Maybe you should," Yuki mutters, eyes averted from his friend's unwavering gaze.

"What?" Touya asks and Yuki wants to scream.

_Haven't we been through this?_ he wants to shout. _Back and forth for years and years and I'm tired._

"What do you want?" he finally asks, looking up and locking eyes with Touya once again.

He bites his lip and looks away but Yuki puts his hands on either side of Touya's face and forces him to turn back.

"What do you _really_ want, Touya?"

"You," Touya says on a gusty exhale. "I want you. I want to love you and hold you and be with you forever and I don't care how sappy it sounds."

"It does sound very sappy."

But Yuki is smiling that sweet smile that Touya loves to see and he is smiling back.

"I love you most, Touya," Yuki breathes. "I always have and . . . I want you too. I want you forever."

Maybe it's just because this is finally happening, after so much time spent yearning and craving and being denied the fullness of what that yearning and craving needed, but there isn't time enough for Touya to receive that sappy smile he thought he wanted so badly. Instead he's leaning forward and capturing Yuki's lips with his and it's . . . perfect. Tentative and sloppy and all tongues and teeth and a moaned sense of _finally_ but it's perfect because it's Yuki and it's Touya and it's what they've wanted.

What they've always wanted.


End file.
